“Achtung! Er Kommst… Er Kommst! Remain seated and no applauseth, for die Master is nothing but Humble!“

Dr Derv is here to help you with all your problems and help you understand all the Misstries of this life and the world around. From Cosmological to Ontological… Philosophical to Psychological… Emotional to Logical… Ornithology to Anthropology… Demography to Geography… Bill Clinton to Tiger Woods… Being adopted by Woody Allen to Being adopted by Madonna… Gravititional Pull to Animal Attraction… Falling in Love to Falling in Ditch… there is NO issue Dr Derv has not “touched upon” and is not well versed with.

“Ahooaay… All ye heareth and all ye beareth and broadcasteth far and wide”

Dr Derv has spent one of his lives learning Wisedoom from the Wholly Man standing on no leg on top of the cold harsh peaks of Himalayas and the Wishcraft from the eternal Maidens of Mosuo in their Flower Chambers around Lake Lugu. Another life learning Kung FU from the Masters in Shaolin to inducing the Warrior Spirit from the legendary White Slaves of Georgia.

On the break of Spring, while learning Katas from a Samurai Maestro in the Dojo of Okinawa on condition to vow silence all through the time, the Maestro asked “Ima nan ji desu ka” and Dr Derv replied, modestly ofcourse, “Sensei Ima Haru ga kita ji desu” to which the Sensei was overwhelmed with emotions at such a Truer answer and offered his Katana, funny name for his daughter. Dr Derv had chosen a life of abstinence and kindly declined saying “My Katana has no sheath.” Sensei replied “Unsheathed Katana is dangerous to all” Dr Derv wisely replied “Why must the sheath suffer the danger either?”

From there on Dr Derv has been greeted with Sawasdee by Ladies of Far East, learning Waikiki Sneaky from the Hula girls of Honolulu, singing Maori songs, sailing True in the oceans of this life, with his unshaken Chakra as the Lighthouse for guidance.

Dr Derv even had the honour of meeting Kama and Sutra, both, and pioneered the concept of applying their Positions in the NYSE trading floor. Whilst his stay in the Big Apple, with his small banana, he was the Chief Editor of Moron’s Monthly and W*nkers Weekly publications.

“Halt and jest ye not! For there is lot to be learn from the ways of unwise. Don’t doeth what they doeth”

And now Dr Derv has decided upon bestowing his Pearls of Wisedoom on this Forum. With all due respect and permission of the Mods of this forum. With the vision to make this the most searched sites for Worldy and Spiritual Guidance on the Interweblings, perchance it might be sold for Gazillions to Ooogle or You-Who?

“All ye who heareth… ask and ye shall find the path… the answer… the guidance…”

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Moron in the Midst.

Doc Derv I am having sleepless nights wondering how I should be flipping my donkey burgers.

Dear Dr Derv.
I saw gorgeous red boots in my lunch brake. I tried them on and they (and I) looked amazing. Then I looked at the prize lable and then about my other 50 pairs of shoes and thought I didn't really need another pair.
But now I can't focus at work, I can't stop thinking about them. I'm in love. What should I do?

Try a donkey sausage, its more wholsome and you dont need to flip.

Get a girlfriend to help you amuse during your waking hours, they are easy to flip.

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Moron in the Midst.

Dear BaselLady

Falling in love with shoes is bad Financial decision. Falling in love with a man who can buy you shoes, among other things is a wiser and more "economical" choice.

Only 50 pair of shoes! Your love life does not seem very healthy!!

Never try on a pair of shoes unless you are accompanied by a generous Man, preferable with a shoe fetish... You know the ones who like to see their women in nice shoes. I mean in ONLY nice shoes or maybe a pearl necklace too.

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Moron in the Midst.

Thank you! You are a wise man indeed.

Dr Perv (sorry that's an iPhone typo which I will try to edit) .... So Dr Derv. I have an 18 month old Rottweiler who is like a kitten apart from when she is in Tongue distance of my 13 Appenzellar Barthuns. Then she goes crazy and usually catches one, not to eat, she just wants to like their luxuriant black feathers.

The chooks are not quite so happy and will stop laying eggs for a week.

Can you suggest a compromise situation so that all of our animals(sorry forgot to mention the9 stable cats, 4 horses and various rats and mice) can live together in harmony?

Peace to all anim kind man.

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weighed under by all this cheesyness

Dear JollyGrapefruit,

Do you wake up singing "Old MacDonald had a Farm"?

Terrible situation you have on your "Animal Farm" I must say. You need to setup some sort of United Animations to restore Peace and Democratic values.

You must let the "female dog" have a bit of fun. I am hesitant to use the common noun which would describe her more appropriately, as the last time I tried to to use it to describe one more appropriately, I was sent to exile.

I would not be overly concerned with eggs not "getting laid" as this is Switzerland and I have learnt everyone is having problems "getting laid" here.

You have everything on the farm except a Cow?! Cows have a miraculous effect of bringing (un)stability and "jollies" to the farm life.

May I suggest the rare Wagyu breed. They make excellent burgers and also are really good at playing Sudoku. Perhaps that would also help distract the Rottweiler of the chooks and chicas and onto the MooBabe.

P.S. Change your iPhone to uPhone. It seems to have certain keys inverted. Can you imagine the scandal, if you were to get married 31st century High Tech style via internet and say your vows "I do, I do, I do" spelled with a P!

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Moron in the Midst.